Draft 1

Please let me know if there are any confusing or awkward sentences/phrases. I am pretty sure that there are several in this draft...(This is not the entire paper. I am going to call the posted pieces as numbered drafts so that I won't have to title posts as "Beginning Revised", "Middle", "Middle Revised", and so on.)

            Those glassy, marble eyes stared back at me with impatience; the closer I looked into those windows, the more I saw a frustrated dove strapped inside of a cage, crying out shrill tunes of anguish and despair. As those moist eyes locked with mine, there was a small, distant voice emanating from the broken glass. The voice-which seemed to be merely whispering- was strangled and constrained, yet it was shouting at the top of its lungs, screaming something to me that I could not comprehend…

              With the sun blazing over our heads, my cousins and I swam upstream against a sea of people, creeping into every open crevice to breathe. Multitudes of tents, food stands, and game stations adorned the field, the excitement in the air squeezing between the human bodies that populated the scene. On this sweltering day, my cousins and I attended a county fair. All three of us were excited for this yearly event, and our joy of seeing the rides, the shows, and the displays could hardly be contained. As I excitedly followed my cousins through the crowd, exuberant noises filled my earlobes and the cacophony echoed within my head.

                “I want another balloon! Why can’t I get another one? Please, pretty please?”

                “Mommy, I don’t want the vanilla ice cream anymore. I want the other one with sprinkles…”

                “…and I saw this great display of ancient beading techniques, and they had…”

                The disharmony that shrilled in my mind was soon torn asunder when I heard reverberating barks. As I turned my head towards those sounds, I saw a wonder that I had never witnessed before: greyhounds. Fascinating creatures with long bodies and muscular chests, these greyhounds, coated with various shades of colors, stood with magnificence. Their elongated legs and noses seemed to weigh down the front of their bodies, their snake-length tails on their rear end balancing this tremendous weight.

                My cousins, who were also magnetized to their presence, inched towards the tents that shaded those resting greyhounds. I slowly trailed beside them, afraid to stand beside these massive creatures.