Draft 3 (Completed)

Please let me know if some parts were too slow and if there are any other things that were awkward in the piece. Also, please tell me if the ending was okay and not too abrupt. Thanks!

Those glassy, marble eyes stared back at me with impatience; the closer I looked into those windows, the more I saw a frustrated dove strapped inside of a cage, crying out shrill tunes of anguish and despair. As those moist eyes locked with mine, there was a small, distant voice emanating from the broken glass. The voice-which seemed to be merely whispering- was strangled and constrained, yet it was shouting at the top of its lungs, screaming something to me that I could not comprehend…

With the sun blazing over our heads, my cousins and I swam upstream against a sea of people, creeping into every open crevice to breathe. Multitudes of tents, food stands, and game stations adorned the field, the excitement in the air squeezing between the human bodies that populated the scene. On this sweltering day, my cousins and I attended a county fair. All three of us were excited for this yearly event, and our joy of seeing the rides, the shows, and the displays could hardly be contained. As I excitedly followed my cousins through the crowd, exuberant noises filled my eardrums and the cacophony echoed within my head.

                “I want another balloon! Why can’t I get another one? Please, pretty please?”

                “Mommy, I don’t want the vanilla ice cream anymore. I want the other one with sprinkles…”

                “…and I saw this great display of ancient beading techniques, and they had…”

                The disharmony that shrilled in my mind was soon torn asunder when I heard reverberating barks. As I turned my head towards those sounds, I saw a wonder that I had never witnessed before: greyhounds. Fascinating creatures with long bodies and muscular chests, these greyhounds, coated with various shades of colors, stood with magnificence. Their elongated legs and noses seemed to weigh down the front of their bodies, their snake-length tails on their rear end balancing this tremendous weight.

                My cousins, who were also magnetized to their presence, inched towards the tents that shaded those resting greyhounds. I slowly trailed beside them, afraid to stand beside these massive creatures.

                “…These greyhounds have competed in over twenty races, and some of these races were in other states as well. Notice their long legs- those natural ‘springs’ are perfect for running on the tracks. That’s why these greyhounds can run so fast, even up to forty-five miles per hour…”

 My cousins and I shyly approached a large greyhound that rested on the grass. This greyhound- a beautiful creature enwrapped in a gray and white robe- lay on the ground with a regal and majestic stature. Its tail pounded on the ground with every excited pulse pumping through its body, and the large, pink tongue that rolled out of its mouth hung over its mountainous teeth. Every time this greyhound inhaled a breath, the tendons and muscles that spread throughout its legs, back, and shoulders appeared and vanished like the tides on the ocean shore.

Slowly and hesitantly, I knelt down to pet this fascinating greyhound. When I did, my mind was filled with excitement and joy: how could such a dominating creature be so gentle to a six-year-old girl? My small hands held this massive head. This greyhound, which had a look of curiosity and happiness, saw the wonder in my face, and those brown eyes, as large as the moon, reflected my intrigued and youthful countenance.

… And suddenly there was Hyde, his image shimmering in the broken glass. His evil glare penetrated my entire being, and his smirk- that haunting smile- laughed at my astonishment and ignorance.  Who is that man staring at me? Is he a villain from my nightmares? Who is he? Is he even a man? Soon enough, I realized that Hyde- this beast- was my own kind.

I peered deeper into those watering, pleading eyes; no matter how hard I attempted to erase his image, he was always still there.

There was Hyde, with an iron fist, forcing that poor creature to remain in that cold, lonely cage. There was Hyde, screaming at the whimpering and tired dog, torturing the greyhound to run, run, run. There was Hyde, disregarding the hurting creature, which even longed for Death to end its unbearable pain.

While Hyde sat upon the throne of the world, I could see all other life scamper from his presence. He was given hands to comfort the suffering of these helpless lives, but he instead strangled their very essence. He was gifted with intelligence to protect the kingdom he was crowned to govern, but greed, rage, and the sins of his heart massacred these powerless beings.

As my cousins and I left the tent that day, I turned around to see that majestic greyhound one last time. The greyhound was looking towards the sky, and in the distance, I could hear its cry reaching up towards the heavens, far from the cruelty down here on earth. But when I stared back down unto the ground, I glanced at my small hands. My hands- which longed to pet this creature again - bled as shattered glass pierced through my skin, cutting deep into my soul as I watched that evil face glint in the pieces of glass, smirking at me behind the reflections of the sun above.

Draft 2

This is a continuation from Draft 1.

My cousins, who were also magnetized to their presence, inched towards the tents that shaded those resting greyhounds. I slowly trailed beside them, afraid to stand beside these massive creatures.

                “…These greyhounds have competed in over twenty races, and some of these races were in other states as well. Notice their long legs- those natural ‘springs’ are perfect for running on the tracks. That’s why these greyhounds can run so fast, even up to forty-five miles per hour…”

                The crackling sounds of the microphone burst out over the murmurs and laughter of the crowd, all of whom gathered around these greyhounds in adoration and fascination. The tent, abundant with spectators, was vibrating to the static, magnified voice of a greyhound trainer, who acknowledged the different characteristics and daily life training of these creatures. 
                
                Fascinated by this intriguing information, my cousins and I shyly approached a large greyhound that rested on the grass. This greyhound- a beautiful creature enwrapped in a gray and white robe- lay on the ground with a regal and majestic stature. Its tail pounded on the ground with every excited pulse pumping through its body, and the large, pink tongue that rolled out its mouth hung over its mountainous teeth. Every time this greyhound inhaled a breath, the tendons and muscles that spread throughout its legs, back, and shoulders appeared and vanished like the tides on the ocean shore.

At first, we stared dumbfounded at this massive greyhound- all three of us were terrified to pet this creature. But slowly yet tentatively, my cousin reached down to touch its head, and when he did, there was a tremor that shook the earth as the greyhound wagged its tail in reply, welcoming this timid but kind gesture.

Hesitantly, I, too, reached down to rest my hand upon its head. And when I did, there was an excitement that emanated from this being, a joy that traveled up through my arm and into my entire body. Mesmerized by this friendly greyhound, my mind was swimming with wonder: how could such a dominating creature, which has the ability to aggressively run and pierce through the wind like a bullet, be so gentle to a six-year-old girl?

Draft 1

Please let me know if there are any confusing or awkward sentences/phrases. I am pretty sure that there are several in this draft...(This is not the entire paper. I am going to call the posted pieces as numbered drafts so that I won't have to title posts as "Beginning Revised", "Middle", "Middle Revised", and so on.)

            Those glassy, marble eyes stared back at me with impatience; the closer I looked into those windows, the more I saw a frustrated dove strapped inside of a cage, crying out shrill tunes of anguish and despair. As those moist eyes locked with mine, there was a small, distant voice emanating from the broken glass. The voice-which seemed to be merely whispering- was strangled and constrained, yet it was shouting at the top of its lungs, screaming something to me that I could not comprehend…

              With the sun blazing over our heads, my cousins and I swam upstream against a sea of people, creeping into every open crevice to breathe. Multitudes of tents, food stands, and game stations adorned the field, the excitement in the air squeezing between the human bodies that populated the scene. On this sweltering day, my cousins and I attended a county fair. All three of us were excited for this yearly event, and our joy of seeing the rides, the shows, and the displays could hardly be contained. As I excitedly followed my cousins through the crowd, exuberant noises filled my earlobes and the cacophony echoed within my head.

                “I want another balloon! Why can’t I get another one? Please, pretty please?”

                “Mommy, I don’t want the vanilla ice cream anymore. I want the other one with sprinkles…”

                “…and I saw this great display of ancient beading techniques, and they had…”

                The disharmony that shrilled in my mind was soon torn asunder when I heard reverberating barks. As I turned my head towards those sounds, I saw a wonder that I had never witnessed before: greyhounds. Fascinating creatures with long bodies and muscular chests, these greyhounds, coated with various shades of colors, stood with magnificence. Their elongated legs and noses seemed to weigh down the front of their bodies, their snake-length tails on their rear end balancing this tremendous weight.

                My cousins, who were also magnetized to their presence, inched towards the tents that shaded those resting greyhounds. I slowly trailed beside them, afraid to stand beside these massive creatures.

Beginning Draft

Those glassy, marble eyes stared back at me with impatience; the closer I looked into those windows, the more I saw a frustrated dove strapped inside of a cage, crying out shrill tunes of anguish and despair. As those moist eyes locked with mine, there was a small, distant voice emanating from the broken glass. The voice-which seemed to be merely whispering- was strangled and constrained, yet it was shouting at the top of its lungs, screaming something to me that I could not comprehend…

Description: Revision

This is a revision of the line:

Those glassy, marble eyes stared back at me with impatience; the closer I looked into those windows, the more I saw a frustrated dove strapped inside of a cage, crying out shrill tunes of anguish and despair.

I switched the word "eagerness" with "despair." Does this word better portray the meaning in the sentence?

Do you guys think that I could also use this as a first sentence? I am not sure if I would open the memoir with this line, but I might consider to do so.

Description

Here is a line that I might use in the memoir. This description is about the moment when I looked into the eyes of the greyhound at the fair:

Those glassy, marble eyes stared back at me with impatience; the closer I looked into those windows, the more I saw a frustrated dove strapped inside of a cage, crying out shrill tunes of anguish and eagerness.

Do you guys think that the line truly portrays the "sadness" of the greyhound?

Possible Memoir Theme

Because I am writing about the cruelty towards these greyhounds (or animals in general), do you guys think that a theme could be about man's abuse of his natural power? I would probably emphasize the idea about how man, who is considered the "head" species of all life, is responsible for taking care of the life around him, but because of selfish motives, he, instead creates pain for others. I still need to craft the theme to make it better, but is this theme a good foundation for the memoir?

Possible Memoir Topic

I was thinking that, for the memoir, I could write about a time in which I went to a fair and learned about greyhound racing.
When I was little, I was always amazed by greyhound races. I became interested in these types of "doggie races" after I saw these tents set up that talked about how owners trained these dogs. (I saw a few greyhounds as well.)
However, I later learned that the idea behind greyhound racing is very cruel and animal abusive. Trainers would train these greyhounds (most came from animal shelters) and race them. Whichever dog was the fastest was kept and trained for more races, whereas the one that lost would be put down. I was really upset when I learned about the truth behind these races. I have always remembered the faces of those greyhounds, and when I look back, I think that those dogs looked quite sad.
I was thinking that I could write about this topic, but I still need to develop the ideas more.
What do you guys think?